It has been such a long time since I've blogged. A time filled with some life changing events which have had me questioning every belief and thought on what and how life should be. What is the truth about life ?
I am writing from my experience and these are my views and perceptions. If you do not share it, that is perfectly fine, we each have our path to follow.
I find that when we go through a difficult time in life, that becomes our focus in life - either we go deeper into the difficult situation, spiralling down at such a speed that we hit rock bottom and in some cases it becomes very difficult to come out of it without external help. Or else we are able to shift our focus and keep our spirits up and get out of a bad situation quickly.
I find that the first scenario - going deeper into our problems - seems to be the way most of us go first. I think this is because we are so involved with what is happening in our life in the moment, that it is literally like we are wearing blinkers like horses do that we can't see beyond anything but what is happening to us. And it takes a lot of courage, strength and willpower to actually force ourselves to look past a bad situation. In my case it took about 3 years, even though all the signs were there telling me of the mistakes I was making. My stubbornness not to see the truth for what it is has cost me dearly, and it is only when we are actually face to face with the truth looking at it right in the eyes that we can see it for what it is. I had to be taken out of the situation into another zone before I could look at the truth and acknowledge it.
This is the first step; facing the truth and acknowledging it for what it is. Even after this, taking the next step is very difficult because our mind will find all kinds of excuses as to why we should not make a change. I wonder if we actually love being in pain, maybe that is what it is - we actually like the pain so much that it becomes our story and then we can't let go of it because we feel that we may not have a story to cling to then. This is actually our ego taking control, telling us untruths that we get conditioned to and believe that it is the truth.
What I realised is that even after accepting the truth and taking the first step to make the change, things don't actually get better. I still seem to be in this state of turmoil, thinking I want to be out of the pain, but it does not happen. So where have I been going wrong ? Why can't I get past the pain and move forward into better situations ? This is what I am trying to figure out.
I know without a doubt that I will overcome the pain and difficulties I feel in this moment. But I also realise that it is not easy as it sounds. I don't think that we can just wake up one day and forget all the pain that we have been going through. I believe that we have to take baby steps and acknowledge at every step how much we have actually progressed because we tend to forget how much we have progressed. A suggestion I was given was to maintain a Success Dairy. A very simple thing to do - all you have to do is keep a journal where you write the date and your achievement. Achievements don't have to be a big thing for your to record it. It can even be something as small as "today is the day I have decided to change my life". The next one may be "I called my friend and spoke to him / her about how I feel and that I want to change my life" or "I stepped outside the house and went to the mall it made me feel better". And as you keep writing in the journal remember to keep going back and reading what you have written. Very soon you will see that the list is getting longer and you will see how much progress you've made.
The journey from the point of being in pain to the point where you are completely past it, forgiven and forgotten the incident, I think can be as long or short as we make it. Right now there is a lot of anger and bitterness in me and I seem to be happy holding on to this, though I know it is not right. Loved ones looking from the outside can see this and try to tell me so, but I am stubbornly holding on to it. This I believe is because I need to let go of it in my time and not be forced into doing it because others say that is what I should do. And I know the sooner I do this the better it is for me.
Forgiveness does not come easily, it takes time. There are days when I feel fine and very positive about the future and there are days where I find myself on a low and in danger of spiralling down again. This in my understanding is how we allow ourselves to feel Love or not. When we feel Love, we are on a high, able to be on a positive. The opposite of Love is Fear, which is the worst thing we can dwell in. When we let fear grip us, it has such a negative effect on us and if we are not careful ti can over power us with negativity. I understand this, yet it takes some time before I realise this when I spiral in fear. I find that I have to be ever watchful with how I feel. I would rather be in the presence of Love than that of Fear. But having said this, I also think that we need to experience the Fear to understand Love and vice versa. One cannot function without the other, but we don't have to dwell in the negativity always to realise the positive.
The other thing I realise is that while I am going through my turmoil which to me seems such a huge thing, all I have to do is look around and I realise how blessed my life actually is. Gratitude for one's current situation is also a very important thing to keep us felling good and positive. There is so much to be grateful for each day, however bad you may think your situation is. Today I may feel that life is unfair and bad things are happening to me, but I have so much to be grateful for as well. A family who loves and supports me, dear friends who hold me up and won't let me fall, a roof over my head, food to eat and so on. There are so many who are in much worse situations than me, so I know that things are not that bad after all.
Everything is relative is it not ? Just think of the story of the man who did not have any shoes and kept lamenting about it, till he saw someone who had no legs. He was then grateful that he had legs and that he could walk. That is how all of us are, lamenting about things we don't have till we see someone worse off than us which makes us realise how lucky we are.
There are days when everything seems such an uphill battle that I feel that I have reached my end and I can't take it anymore. But then from somewhere I get the strength to carry on and take the next step carrying me forward. The Divine and the Angels are always with us even if we can't feel them or don't acknowledge them. They will never let us fall, this is trust and faith, something that is difficult for a lot of us because we can't physically see these beings. It is difficult, I go through like a pendulum swinging from one side to another - belief and not believing. Again I think this is the phase I need to get past and come into the truth.
And while all this is happening, there will be good and bad days. Rest assured that the bad days will end. We just have to hold on to the trust and faith for dear life till we get past all the unpleasantness.
And so what is the truth about life ? I am still trying to find the answer to this, and as the journey is as important as the destination, so I carry on gaining insights from my life experiences.
In Love and Light
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